Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
