i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
