My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
