i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
