I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
