Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
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After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
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That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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