man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
