I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
