Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
