Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
