We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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