my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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