You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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