it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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