Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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