i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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