I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
