you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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