I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
