can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
