just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
