I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
