hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
