so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
