My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
