After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
