GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
