I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
