Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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