Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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