I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
