her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
