I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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