it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Of course I have a pirate flag
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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