remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
