Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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