Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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