So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
