I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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