dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have already put on my inside pants.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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