I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
