I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
