Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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