Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
