i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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