My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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