She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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