you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We need to get me chipped asap
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
