Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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