help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
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You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
being pregnant is like rehab
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
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i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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