oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
