I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
