end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
