i need an iv and a liver transplant
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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