I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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