those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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