i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
